I'll take a baker's dozen

I think it's good advice to learn a second language. So in my school years, through college even, I studied German.

It was by default, really, that I chose German. I wanted to speak French, but my mouth just couldn't form those beautiful words. When I said them (or read them), they sounded more like I was choking on a fresh croissant with too much Brie.

Spanish would have been my second pick, but I couldn't get the accent right. I sounded like I was reading a Taco Bell menu: See senior Rita, me goostah inch a lottas.

But German and I just clicked. It turns out I do guttural real well.

Now that I've been out of college for more years than I care to admit, my German has mostly by the wayside gefallen.

The years of tiny, dirty hands and looming laundry and school loans and little sleep has led me to whole heartedly embrace another culture and another language.

I'm fluent in cookie.

That's what I said. I speak cookie.

And they speak back to me on a regular basis.

Cookie is such a beautiful language! I like to let the small nuances of the intonation wash over me like a warm milk bath. Which, by the way, goes great with cookies.

Plus, the natives who speak cookies usually have such nice personalities! With soothing promises and nourishing encouragement, they rarely yell at me. Even the feisty ginger snaps are some of my closest friends who have proven, time and again, that they will always be there for me.

It's probably cliche, but my favorite dialect is the chocolate chip cookie. With interspersed, perfectly melted chocolate morsels, it is the vernacular that keeps on giving and giving and giving, until it disintegrates into folklore. Some days I just relate to that, you know?

I appreciate how cookies are an international language. When I grow up, I hope to be the ambassador of cookies everywhere. Then I can help those nations who tainted the cookie language by replacing jam centers with strips of lying papers. Clearly, a fresh tomorrow waits on the horizon for them.

Cookies understand me. They get me. They heal me. I would tell you about the conversations we've enjoyed together, but that would feel like betrayal. There is no Cookie-to-English translation book because it's different for each mouthpiece. I'm pretty sure one of my sisters has a negative relationship with cookies; they must yell at her and lay on the guilt real thick. She always reports the number she's eaten with disgust and surrender, like she's being arraigned before the Betty Crocker tribunal.

I'm not sure how long I'll speak this love language. Maybe someday they'll turn on me. But I doubt it.

And if they do, I'll just drown them in a tall glass of cold milk until they stop screaming, and then bite off their heads.

No matter the language, we must be clear in our communication, I always say.